{WHY HE... COMES RIGHT AFTER GOD}

I love him! 

I really do. But, not that butterfly in the stomach conditional love. The real stuff. The kind that makes me never give up and always have hope. The kind that makes me pause after raising my voice at him (not that I'm proud of this) and instantly apologize and ask if I can try that again. He stands beside me and supports me as God transforms my brokeness and gives me beauty for my ashes. He's there rooting me on. He's patient with me. He gives me space to grow, allows me to feel and, yet, he knows just how to say enough is enough with such a gentleness that comes straight from his heart. 

I'm a tough cookie. I can be moody, a bit too often. I struggle with depression, a daily battle. I am terrible at showing him affection, I actually have to pray about it. I have the most unhealthy interdependence, way too dependant on him for my happiness. A MESS!!!

What I love about him most is at any moment, I can look over his shoulder as he fiddles with his iPhone to see his fingers scrolling through SCRIPTURE. Immersing himself in the word! Looking through it's pages for instruction as how to treat his wife, the gift that God has given him. He is not perfect, but praise God, he looks to the one who is. He makes my heart patter when I think of him. When I think of the fact that he is there to see me through the end. To be beside me as I am transformed from broken to mended and whole. 

A few weekends ago, we spent the weekend in D.C as I invested in myself for once in far too long. He was there to support me and cheer me on yet again. He was there to gently push me to do what I had spent far too long trying to get past the fear and just go. He was patient and kind. He didn't judge me or think I was strange. He was just there. To love me. 

This is why HE comes right after God. And, I will be forever grateful for him, all the days of my life.

 XoXo,

Syreena

{THE HARDEST THING FOR ME TO DO}

It's been in while since I've posted and I can honestly say that I have been missing out. I love writing on this blog of mine, but sometimes I find that it is the hardest thing for me to do. To put into words what I'm feeling, what I am experiencing as God works on me and through me. This journey of mine to learn to live my life through what it truly means to love is not easy. I never want to be an emotional writer always complaining and speaking of the worst. But I certainly DO want to be a reflective writer, able to look back on my challenges and find the lesson in my struggles. But that sometimes keeps me from writing in the now!!! Although I find it quite difficult for me to pick up an actual book these days, reading through beautifully written and inspiring blog post written by equally as beautiful people fills my heart with so much joy these days. 

The boys have been pretty demanding these last few weeks and that coupled with a goWageous wedding and preparing myself to attend this awesomeness has kept me pretty busy lately. 

Can you stand how goWageous they are??? 

And, right now, I am most thankful for Tuesday...at naptime. Finally, a little time to do what is sometimes the hardest thing for me to do... to put into words what I am feeling at this very moment. The short version. 

Hopeful.

How about you?

XoXo,

Syreena

{WHAT'S THE MATTER??}

Another rough day yesterday...

And please don't think that all of my rough days are in vain. I hope that I am not turning readers away by writing about so many bad days. I just believe that there is so much strength in knowing that your not alone. So if there is any chance that I can make just one other mommy feel that they are not alone. Then I will write on.

The night was rough. The new lil' decided that sleep wasn't on his agenda for the day and the big lil' thought it would be nice to scream all night long, well because he felt like it..... So the husband and I started our days on maybe 30 seconds of shut eye and that's just not whatspoppin.com.

Because I was so sleep deprived and had no head start on my day, things went from breakfast demands (" I think I want juice.", "I don't want waffles anymore mommy." " I just want juice.", " I want juice!!") to wanting grilled cheese and then wanting graham crackers and ultimately deciding that naptime was not what's really good either.

The husband got off of work early thank god so we went for a walk...

the new lil' was chillin'...

like seriously...chillin'...

I typically like going out for a walk and find it slightly relaxing. Except for this time it was less relaxing and more... "No mommy, I Camerons wants to push the cart"... Yes, Camerons plural :/

push me on the swing...

...follow me around the park and down the slide then try to get me to calm down and stop screaming cuz I just ain't ready to go home yet, so I'm gonna scream like you lock me in the closet all day and never take me anywhere. 

Then once we got home it was right to cooking dinner all to have things hot and ready while everyone else runs out of the house to church (well y'all coulda just ate cereal when you got home and I could have saved myself the tiny bit of energy that I preserved by drinking my third cup of coffee for the day). Now here comethe dinner demands... "No mommy, I don't want pizza anymore...I just want juice!" All while the sounds of the new lil' screaming sound in the not-so-background because it's impossible for him to wait 3.5 seconds for me to cut his food into smaller pieces.

I finally get the boys in bed 7:30 (thank God for early bedtime) and then it's off to working on a project for church that should only take me 3-4 hours but has taken me 80 something days because my babies attach themselves to my left nostril and can't live without me.

The husband gets home and starts asking ridiculous things like did you eat? have you showered? and would you like a back rub?...ummm, no, no and heck freakin YESSS. And then he wants to know if I was irritated, tired or frustrated and wants to know why????

"What's the matter?????", he says.

"You hate being a stay at home mom, don't you?"

What the flip was I supposed to say to that right there? I wanted to respond but I hadn't quite gotten my thoughts together (which almost NEVER happens). What really was the matter??? Was I tired? Ummmm, yes. Was I frustrated? yep yep, you bet. But, do I hate being a stay at home mom? Absolutely NOT! Then it hit me and it hit me hard...

I remember hearing Oprah say we all just want to know that we matter. And that was exactly the matter. I am willing to deal with the screaming, the impatience, the crying, the demands. They are here for me to teach them and yet they teach me. Teaching me to be patient, forcing me to be kind, to never give up, to always have hope...they teach me how to love.

I've struggled so much with being a stay at home home. Always feeling like I need to "bring something to the table". Feeling like the world looks down on me for just staying at home. Feeling like I contribute nothing to society. And at that very moment I realized just how much damage it does to be lead by my feelings. That my feelings had made this blessing of mine feel more like a curse.

What's the matter is that we just want to know that we matter.

That what we do matters.

If we don't take the time, have the patience, make our children our priority how will they know? where will they learn? what type of person will they grow to be? THAT is my JOB as a stay-at-home-mom. To mold these beautiful little people of mine to be kind, to be compassionate, to be patient, to be thoughtful, to know that they are loved, that they are worthy, that they are important.... that they matter!!!

What we do matters!!!

I am so grateful for my rough days because I learn from them. I become as better person because of them. A better mom because of them. But, I'm not sure I can take too many more of the rough days right now. I would be forever grateful if someone would send my lil's the memo. Thanks in advance :)

XoXo,

Syreena

{I CAN DO THIS...}

I know I can.

I've been repeating these words over and over to myself these last couple of days. Trying to gather strength where it often seems like I have none. I've established my priorities but it is a constant struggle to make sure my actions are a reelection of the priorities I have set.

It is not easy. Being a mom. Being a wife. Running a business. Keeping it all together. (Me rockin' my UNICEF hoodie and the new lil' along for the ride, basically what I look like 5 out of 10 days).

Over the last week I have really began to accept the process involved with running creative business. I have come to terms with and am embracing the evolution of it all and that being a mommy makes things THAT MUCH HARDER. I've realized that finding my way in this world of small business, motherhood and the world of the married IS in fact a process.

I'm learning that its ok to evolve. That it is ok for your business to change and it's even ok for you to change businesses. Besides, how will I ever find what I'm truly passionate about and what sets me apart if I don't start with something? If I don't start somewhere?

The last few weeks I have been working hard at a new project that I am extremely excited about. And, while it seems like it is taking me FOREVER to get it up and running with the lil's around, i just keep reminding myself...

"I Can Do This..."

Besides...

{get this print here}

I'll never be "superwoman" and I'm starting to be ok with that. Who the flip is this "superwoman" anyway???

XoXo,

Syreena

{ADVENTURES OF KENDY & CAM: FINDING VANESSA}

An adventure...I Love it!!! And, that is exactly what I see every morning I wake up until the time I go to sleep at night. They explore, they learn, they laugh and they CRY. These kids are the best things that ever happened to me and I don't wanna miss a thing!!! Which is why I even put #5 on my 30 before 30 anyways. At first it seemed like a pretty crazy idea! To publish a children's book. I mean, who do I think I am?!? But then I thought to myself how amazing it would be for them to have something they can call thier own. Something that they could look back on and pass down to thier children and their children's children. Something that they could say, "wow, look at what our mommy did for us!" A series of children's books that told stories of milestones in thier lives!!! I take a TON of pictures of my lil's and thier everyday lives and goings ons. And, I thought of how beautiful it would be to translate those images into illustrations and create goWageous story books of the life and times of Kendy & Cam...

So that was my vision! And, that is my dream! I certainly figured that it would be one of thoe ideas that you would put in the "idea" files and think on on a rainy day in the far far future. But how small was i thinking of my God who said that he would give me the desires of my heart, Psalm 37:4 ?!? 

One day I was sitting in the rents' office, typing up some goals and a few business plans when my mother-in-love caught a glimpse of my #5 which read, "Publish my first children's book", so she asked me about it. I gave her the lowdown and then she mentioned that she had a cousin who she believed did some illustrating. OK. NOTED. And then this is me..... moving on with life. (**ENTER MOVING ON WITH LIFE HERE**). The mother-in-love sent over a friend request on Facebook, I saw an example of one of the cutest little illustrated  brown skinned boys I had ever seen on a recent book that she had completed and I decided to shoot over and email. 

It read a little something like this...

"Hi, this is me...

these are my lil's...

this is how many pictures I take of my lil's...

this is how much I never wanna forget them this lil'...

this is how much I am in LOVE with the lil illustrated brown boy on your latest book...

this is how much I LOVE you...

and, this is how much I hope you LOVE me too..."

OK... so it didn't quite go JUST like that but you get the drift! She sent me back the most beautiful email (that made me smile for days) and told me to give her a call. So, I called! BEST. CONVERSATION. EVER!!! And, the best part is that she totally wants to work with ME!!! She explained that she works through an agent but takes on a couple of personal projects from time to time and would love to fit me in. WHAT, WHAT?!???!!! Little did I know that what I saw of her work was not nearly the half of the beauty that IS her ART!!!! So, I sneaked (with permission) a couple of my favs from her blog to show you what I mean....

and check out the AMAZINGNESS that is this one....

And, the best part is that SHE LOVES MY JESUS TOO!!! We spent a good amount of our conversation chatting about just how good God is to us and it darn near melted my heart away....

I can not WAIT for this story to unfold...

Love you Nessy... already!!!

Isn't this so amazing???

XoXo,

Syreena